Humans will steal your ice-cream

I’m not doing too well at the moment. I never do too well at this time of year. It’s a booklist/ elf on the shelf thing. I dunno though, this year feels a bit heavier. 

If I’m honest, I haven’t been doing too well for a while. The signs were there; I just didn’t spot them, until I woke up this morning with my stomach churning and little faith in my ability to make three ham sandwiches for three children for three school lunches. And breakfast! The little fuckers wanted breakfast, too. At 5.30am, that seemed like a really big deal.  

You just have to look at my hands to see that nothing’s right and everything’s wrong. I’ve nibbled away at the skin around my fingernails (cuticles? Is that your cuticles?) until they’re raw and throbbing. I accidentally tried to cover them up with fake nails – three hours and $50 later I came out of a small salon with claws that were useful for nothing other than knocking nails into a wall. I picked them off and now my hands are even more fucked up than before, and what a shame it’s too hot for mittens in Perth, Western Australia.

I’m tired. I’m really fucking tired. I’m tired writing this.

And I’m angry. 

But mainly I’m tired. 

I don’t know what you’d call this. Anxious, sad, weary, I don’t know; I don’t know if it’s me or it’s you or if I just really need a good night’s sleep and a cuddle. 

Whatever this is, it’s crept up on me. I was fine and now I’m not fine and I can’t quite figure out when one ended and the other began. I just know that everything seems very arduous. 

It’s the unfairness of the situation that takes my breath away. I dream about the unfairness of the situation, then wake up in the early hours with a racing heart and an overwhelming need to stamp my feet and shout, “It’s not FAIR.” (I’m not a popular bedfellow at the moment.)

I wake up in a fury because I’ve let other people make me sad. Again. For fuck’s sake. I’m 42 years old and I’m still letting other people make me sad. And as much as you say, “Don’t let them get to you! Be resilient! You’re a grown up! Etc fucking etc!” it doesn’t WORK, because at heart I’m still a fragile fucking toddler with a blind faith in humans. The same humans who’ll let you down and steal your ice cream. DO NOT TRUST HUMANS. 

So, in answer to your question, I am not okay. I will be okay, but I’m not at the moment. At the moment, I can’t do all the things. I can do some of the things, but I cannot do all of the things, because I’m very tired and quite cross. I hope you understand.