Taylor Swift fixes everything, and other truths

1. You know how you’re a bad judge of character? You are – and that’s okay. It means that you assume everyone’s inherently good until they prove otherwise. What’s the alternative? You assume everyone’s a cunt until they adopt a puppy and prove you wrong? Stick with seeing the best in people, until they kick a puppy and prove you wrong. 

2. Exercise fixes everything. So does Taylor Swift. 

3. When did “straight-talking” become an admirable quality? It’s not. You’re a bitch. 

4. Never, ever mistake kindness for weakness. The kindest people in this world are also the strongest. 

5. Not everyone is ambitious. Not everyone wants a ballsy job title, a hefty pay packet and an erection-inducing LinkedIn profile. That doesn’t mean they’re not good at their jobs. It just means they’d rather be at home eating biscuits. 

6. I don’t want to hold your baby.

7. If you don’t do the clappy-hands bit during Violent Femmes’ Blister in the Sun, then I’m not sure we can be friends. 

8. You can’t win an argument with an idiot. 

9. You know how you feel better when you get everything off your chest and tell it like it is? Yeah, well, you’ve just made everyone around you feel worse. Fuck you. 

10. You’ll feel better if you eat less red meat. 

11. My daughter/Taylor Swift told me that if someone is being mean to you, you should raise your hand and tell them they can’t hurt your feelings, then walk away. She’s right, you know. 

12. Just because I won’t come to your birthday party doesn’t mean I don’t want to be invited. 

13. If your kids are being pricks, throw them in water. I don’t mean that you should drown them. Just, like, get them wet. It’ll calm them. 

14. If someone makes you laugh, keep them. 

15. Stop being so fucking grateful. If good things come your way, own them. Be thankful, but don’t be grateful. Grateful somehow implies that you’re not worthy of the good things that come your way. Yes, you are. If you’re a good person enjoying good things, then you deserve them. 

16. You probably don’t have cancer. You might, but you probably don’t. 

17. Coffee’s good, isn’t it?

18. There will be days when it all seems too hard; when the idea of having a shower makes you feel heavy and weighed down and sad. Those are the bad days, but they will pass. Exercise and Taylor Swift can help. 

19. Passive aggression is the worst kind of trait. Don’t be passive aggressive. Have a conversation, reach a compromise, listen to both sides of the story. Be like Taylor Swift. 

20. Have a large-breasted friend on standby for those days when you need a cuddle and a cry.

21. You’re not having a nervous breakdown; you just need eight hours’ sleep. 

22. Everyone is dealing with their own shit, none of which is reflected on social media. Fuck social media. 

23. Don’t ever feel indebted to anyone – especially friends and lovers. If you have to earn friendship and love, then it’s not friendship and it’s definitely not love. Fuck those friends and lovers right off. 

24. The ability to touch-type is the single-most-useful skill you’ll ever have. Apart from the ability to play the recorder with your nose, perhaps. 

25. Botox is good, isn’t it.

26. Write positive reviews. Scatter those stars like fucking confetti. 

27. Your kids are going to be just fine, with or without gymbaroo.

28. You’ll feel better if you eat less sugar.

29. No one in this world has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. Unfortunately, there are people in this world who seem to exist solely to make you feel bad about yourself. Fuck those people. Those people are making you feel bad so that they feel better about themselves. I don’t know why, I’m a writer, not a psychologist. I do know that the problem is with them, not with you. You fucking rock.