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The Broken Record App - are you in?

January 23, 2017 by Lisa Shearon

I’ve come up with a new idea for an app, right, and I’m going to launch it at the breaking point of the school holidays. You know, like, RIGHT NOW. It’s called the BROKEN RECORD APP, and it is way cool.

The BROKEN RECORD app is going to be aimed at mothers. Mothers of school-aged children. The app will be loaded with many of the day-to-day sayings that we mothers use regularly throughout the school holidays. But – and here’s the thing – the app will be INTUITIVE, so that it assesses a situation and responds accordingly, saving you time, effort and YOUR VOCAL CORDS. Here’s the good bit! It’ll be divided into volume categories, and will know JUST WHEN to shout, mutter, and whisper in a threatening tone. Fucking hell, does anyone know an app developer? I need this.

I’ve brainstormed with my best mum friends, and we’ve come up with the following list of common phrases used during school holidays. It’s by no means exhaustive, and I WELCOME further suggestions.

 

SHOUTING (LOUDLY) CATEGORY

Oi

Break it up

I don’t have favourites; I dislike you all equally

Who hit who?

Who punched who?

I saw that

I heard that

No iPad for you

No ice-cream for you

Just be normal

Go to your room

Get your own damn lunch/breakfast/dinner

Stop fucking swearing

Stop fucking shouting

Just be nice

Who punched who?

I’m going to use one of you to hit the other

I’m going to count to three

I heard that

Don’t make me come in there

The police are at the door

This is not a café

Find a new slave

Get in the damn car

Hurry up

You are not helping. That is not helpful

We’re going to be late

Gah

Put your shoes on

I’m changing my name

Don’t. You. Dare

One. Two …

I just cleaned that

Outside with food

I am on the phone

Get that out of your mouth

Time out

Flush the toilet

Wash your hands

I’ve changed my name

Please just stop

 

MUTTERING-UNDER-YOUR-BREATH CATEGORY

Fuck’s sake

What. Fucking. Now?

Fuck you, little fuckers

You’re adopted

Make your own fucking lunch/breakfast/dinner

Can I just finish my fucking coffee? For once?

Wipe your own fucking arse

Find your own fucking shoes

May the best man win

Fuck my life

Fuck this shit

This is not my life

I did not sign up for this shit

 

OUT-OF-LEFTFIELD CATEGORY

Don’t sellotape your sister’s bum-cheeks together

Don’t colour in your sister

Avocadoes are not for bowling

Where are your clothes?

Please stop barking

That is not edible

Did you swallow any?

Don’t wee on your brother

Don’t wee on your sister

Carrots don’t go there

Don’t put that up your nose

Don’t put that in your ear

Don’t lick the cat

Don’t lick the dog

No one wants to see your willy

Dolly Ivy is not a weapon

Just let him fucking bite you

 

There is EVEN a “text message to your husband” category. I know! The app senses impending breakdown, and sends an appropriate text, such as:

Come home now

Hurry up

Bring wine

Help me

Fuck this shit

Fuck my life

This was your idea

They’ve broken the house

They’ve broken me

I’m hiding in the wardrobe until you come home

I may not be here when you get home

On strike. Bring dinner

I’m leaving

I’m not pissing about with this. I’ve done market research and EVERYTHING. One of my pals even suggested an in-app purchase. For a small price, you could upgrade the app so that it syncs via Bluetooth connectivity to your children’s devices. YOU WOULDN’T NEED TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM TO SHOUT AT THEM. Their own devices would shout at them! If that’s not genius, I don’t know what is.

So, dragons: are you in? 

January 23, 2017 /Lisa Shearon
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