The Broken Record App - are you in?
I’ve come up with a new idea for an app, right, and I’m going to launch it at the breaking point of the school holidays. You know, like, RIGHT NOW. It’s called the BROKEN RECORD APP, and it is way cool.
The BROKEN RECORD app is going to be aimed at mothers. Mothers of school-aged children. The app will be loaded with many of the day-to-day sayings that we mothers use regularly throughout the school holidays. But – and here’s the thing – the app will be INTUITIVE, so that it assesses a situation and responds accordingly, saving you time, effort and YOUR VOCAL CORDS. Here’s the good bit! It’ll be divided into volume categories, and will know JUST WHEN to shout, mutter, and whisper in a threatening tone. Fucking hell, does anyone know an app developer? I need this.
I’ve brainstormed with my best mum friends, and we’ve come up with the following list of common phrases used during school holidays. It’s by no means exhaustive, and I WELCOME further suggestions.
SHOUTING (LOUDLY) CATEGORY
Oi
Break it up
I don’t have favourites; I dislike you all equally
Who hit who?
Who punched who?
I saw that
I heard that
No iPad for you
No ice-cream for you
Just be normal
Go to your room
Get your own damn lunch/breakfast/dinner
Stop fucking swearing
Stop fucking shouting
Just be nice
Who punched who?
I’m going to use one of you to hit the other
I’m going to count to three
I heard that
Don’t make me come in there
The police are at the door
This is not a café
Find a new slave
Get in the damn car
Hurry up
You are not helping. That is not helpful
We’re going to be late
Gah
Put your shoes on
I’m changing my name
Don’t. You. Dare
One. Two …
I just cleaned that
Outside with food
I am on the phone
Get that out of your mouth
Time out
Flush the toilet
Wash your hands
I’ve changed my name
Please just stop
MUTTERING-UNDER-YOUR-BREATH CATEGORY
Fuck’s sake
What. Fucking. Now?
Fuck you, little fuckers
You’re adopted
Make your own fucking lunch/breakfast/dinner
Can I just finish my fucking coffee? For once?
Wipe your own fucking arse
Find your own fucking shoes
May the best man win
Fuck my life
Fuck this shit
This is not my life
I did not sign up for this shit
OUT-OF-LEFTFIELD CATEGORY
Don’t sellotape your sister’s bum-cheeks together
Don’t colour in your sister
Avocadoes are not for bowling
Where are your clothes?
Please stop barking
That is not edible
Did you swallow any?
Don’t wee on your brother
Don’t wee on your sister
Carrots don’t go there
Don’t put that up your nose
Don’t put that in your ear
Don’t lick the cat
Don’t lick the dog
No one wants to see your willy
Dolly Ivy is not a weapon
Just let him fucking bite you
There is EVEN a “text message to your husband” category. I know! The app senses impending breakdown, and sends an appropriate text, such as:
Come home now
Hurry up
Bring wine
Help me
Fuck this shit
Fuck my life
This was your idea
They’ve broken the house
They’ve broken me
I’m hiding in the wardrobe until you come home
I may not be here when you get home
On strike. Bring dinner
I’m leaving
I’m not pissing about with this. I’ve done market research and EVERYTHING. One of my pals even suggested an in-app purchase. For a small price, you could upgrade the app so that it syncs via Bluetooth connectivity to your children’s devices. YOU WOULDN’T NEED TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM TO SHOUT AT THEM. Their own devices would shout at them! If that’s not genius, I don’t know what is.
So, dragons: are you in?